When my oldest was not even a year old, my husband and I decided it would be a great idea to do a little biking tour of Oregon wineries (we lived in Portland at the time), WITH our 11-month-old. We had just gotten a Burley bike trailer, you see, and we were eager to put it to use. We booked a kid-friendly B&B, mapped out a good route, and away we went. 
      I know it wasn't all easy and good. I know the route had big hills and narrow shoulders and speeding semi-trucks. I know that Aleida cried...a lot. I know that I wasn't in the best shape and arrived at the wineries sweaty and out of breath. But all I remember, 8 years later, is the fun and the fact that we did it. We tell the story about biking up a big hill with a crying child and we laugh. We recall the looks from the other wine tasters, some admiring, others judging, and we revel in our adventurousness. "Aleida wasn't even a year old!" we say.  "We took a crawling baby on a winery bike tour in Oregon!" we laugh. 

     This probably wasn't the first time, but it stands out in my memory as one of the important moments when I realized that we would be this couple, and now this family. We are a high effort family. When our kids were 3 and 5, we took a trip with another family (who had 2 kids, also under 5) to Nicaragua.  Even the flight attendant questioned our choice: "You're taking a family vacation to Nicaragua?"
​  Two summers ago, when my kids were 6 and 8, we hiked our first 14er and went on our first backpacking trip, which prompted Aleida to say, "Summer break is hard in a family like ours." And she's right: it IS hard.

     Yesterday, I held a free Mindfulness workshop at the local library.  I wanted to share strategies that participants could use on a daily basis.
        You see, until fairly recently, I falsely equated mindfulness with long sessions of yoga and meditation. While those activities are definitely good for developing mindfulness, it's an unfortunate myth that you need to set aside large chunks of time to be more present. I appreciate yoga and meditation, but I don't prioritize those activities. I have had much better results incorporating short, daily mindfulness practices and I wanted to share that with other busy people. I know several people wanted to come to the workshop but couldn't make it, so I'm summarizing the strategies here. You're welcome. 
​       Mindfulness Strategy #1:  Find an Anchor  An anchor is a lovely metaphor.  Just as an anchor on a ship keeps it from straying too far from its location, an anchor for your mind can keep you from straying too far from the present moment. If you find yourself going down rabbit holes of thought or feeling undesired emotions, an anchor can reel you back in. Some example anchors include:

• Your breath: "Just breathe!"  I know this has become cliche'. But I challenge you to give it a try. It's easy to pretend to focus on your breath without giving a good solid try. If you can stop and take 3 deep breaths, you can bring yourself back to the present moment and potentially take the edge off an unsavory emotion or even save yourself from reacting in a way you will regret.
• An object: My daughter uses our cats as an anchor. When she is charged up, she will go to her room and pet the cats until she calms down. My other daughter has always had a blanket that comforts her. The only problem with an object is that you might not always have it with you. I have known people to use a necklace or ring as an anchor object. And this is the whole idea behind worry stones or fidget spinners; the object gives focus.
• A thought (or mantra): I like this because, like your breath, an anchor thought is always accessible to you, and you can have several that you refer to depending on the situation. We brainstormed anchor thoughts in the workshop, and here are some of my favorites: "I can react from a place of love."  "Every thought is a choice."  "In this moment, there is not a problem." "I allow myself to be still." You can find other ideas here. Feel free to comment with more examples and/or what works for you.

      Mindfulness Strategy #2: Body Scan  A body scan is a short meditation that focuses on connecting your mind and body. You can find many versions of body scans out there, and you can walk yourself through them by simply focusing your thoughts and breath on each part of your body in an organized scan. You can go from head to toes, from core to extremities or from extremities to core. This is a nice way to remind yourself that you have a body and are in control of it. In the workshop, I demonstrated the Quiet Power-Centered Presence Meditation developed by Dr. Stuart Heller. It is short, repetitive, and powerful. I recorded audio of myself saying Quiet Power, so feel free to use it.
      Mindfulness Strategy #3: Thought Download   For verbal and visual people, this can be a helpful exercise. The concept is very simple: Take five minutes to write down ALL of your thoughts surrounding a certain issue (your in-laws visiting, a project that is stressing you out, a difficult conversation, etc) or feeling (anxiety, stress, sadness). Do not censor or judge, just let it flow. This alone can be enough to allow you to move on. However, it can also be a springboard to many other in-depth activities such as recognizing facts versus assumptions, seeing/understanding your thought process, and beginning to take those hurtful or unproductive thoughts and changing them to something new. A life coach can be very supportive of this process. (Hint, hint.)
       Mindfulness Strategy #4: Feel the Feels    ​This  can be challenging, but it is sooooo good for you if you can put the time in to practice. When you are feeling an undesirable emotion such as anxiety or fear or stress, you often don't realize that those emotions are not signs of actual danger. In fact, any time you are in actual danger, you aren't sitting there feeling anxiety...you are running or fighting or surviving. So anxiety (or any emotion) is simply a set of sensations in your body in reaction to your thoughts. If you can accept it and allow yourself to feel it, you can let go of it more easily than if you ignore it, quash it, or fight it.  Try these 4 steps to help demystify and therefore free yourself from some emotions that aren't serving you.

1. Name it.   Be as specific as possible. Call it out for what it is. Anger, sadness, frustration, shame, guilt, etc. Say to yourself, "I am *insert emotion here* right now."
2. Describe it.  How does the feeling literally feel in your body? Is your heart racing? Does your chest feel tight? Are you clenching your fists? Does your face feel hot and flushed? Do you have a lump in your throat? Describe the sensations of the emotion to yourself with as much detail as possible. Write it down if like. Remember that an emotion is only combination of sensations in your body.
3. Let it flow. Allow yourself to feel angry or sad or ashamed.  Wallow in it for a minute. Feel all the complex depths of it because that is what it means to be alive. Realize that the uncomfortable emotions are part of life and part of the reason we can recognize and appreciate the more fun and feel-good emotions. It might even help to tell yourself that "It's okay to feel angry sometimes" or "this is the part of the day where I feel anxious" and then just let it be. Don't judge. Don't fight it. Don't react. Just be that emotion.
4. Let it go. Let it flow and let it go. It really is that simple. That's not to say it's easy, but if you can be honest with what you are feeling and allow yourself a minute to really feel it, you will find that you can let it go and move on. Think of it like little messes in your house. If you ignore the little messes, they won't just magically disappear. They will become bigger messes and dustier messes. The clean up doesn't get easier with time. Likewise, your emotions don't just disappear when ignored...they fester. So don't ignore your emotions. Feel the feels and then move on.

      Mindfulness Strategy #5: Loving Kindness Meditation  This is another short meditation that can  be done anywhere. This is a good one for increasing feelings of goodwill toward others...and can't we use more of that in our world these days? Here's the idea: you picture people in your mind, always starting with yourself, and to each person, you repeat these wishes: "May you feel safe. May you feel content. May you feel strong. May you live with ease." In this video, Sylvia Boorstein leads a loving kindness meditation that starts with yourself, then moves on to a loved one, a "familiar stranger," "unfamiliar strangers," and the people in the room.  It is also very powerful to send the loving kindness wishes out to a person who challenges you, perhaps even somebody you don't like. Give it a try and radiate love out into the universe.

​Hopefully you can find a strategy or two in that list that resonates with you. Try them all and report back to let me know which ones were the most effective. 
​

     Yesterday, I had an experience that gets more profound the more I think about it. My cute little town, Golden, CO, had a time capsule reveal and dedication ceremony. 50 years ago, the people of Golden opened a time capsule buried in 1918 and then placed their own to be opened on November 11, 2018.  First of all, the day itself is bursting with meaning. Many numerologists and spiritual gurus attribute power and significance to the 11th day of the 11th month. And I admit that I like the symmetry of it. Secondly, yesterday was Veteran's Day. It was also the Centennial of Armistice Day, which marked the cessation of World War 1. So it's a day to celebrate sacrifice and pride and peace. It also happened to be snowing the first big snow of the season, which added a buzz to the ambiance.
       With remarks from the mayor, veterans, and high school students, the ceremony itself was thought provoking and impressive. And despite snowy weather and slick roads, the town hall and the history museum that was streaming the ceremony were both at full capacity with standing room only. After the ceremony, the items from the 1968 capsule were on display, mostly paper-based memorabilia--newspaper clippings, scrolls of signatures, and letters from residents. My girls enjoyed reading letters from the 5th graders of 1968 and seeing historical pictures of our town. We also got to see the new time capsule and we signed a ledger and wrote notes that will go inside, to be read in 50 years. It was the best kind of history lesson.

     At one point, I asked my girls how old they would be when the next capsule was opened. 
     "57!" exclaimed my youngest, Cici.
     "And I'll be 59," said Aleida. After a thoughtful pause, she added, "And you'll be 90, Mom."
     Wow.  This hit me harder than I expected. 90 years old. Longevity does not run in the females of my family. Both my mother and her mother died before reaching age 70, so the odds of me being alive for the next unveiling are fairly slim. 50 years from now, my children will be women with memories older than I am now. They will most likely have families of their own. They will have careers and a circle of friends they have yet to meet. They will have lived away from home--from me--for decades.  Will they be at the unveiling in 50 years with their kids? Could I pick them out of the crowd if I could travel through time today? 
     My thoughts got heavy, my friends. And I'll admit that I fought with some anxiety. This was undeniable proof that time passes...and quickly. And in the face of such proof, I couldn't help but reflect on my life so far and consider what the future will hold. I have SO MANY THINGS left to do. 
        My anxiety did lead to motivation and resolve. Time will pass. There's no stopping that. But what we do with the rest of our lives is completely up to us. It's trite, I know, but today IS the first day of the rest of your life. What will you do with it?

      Do you have goals but feel stuck when you think about trying to reach them? Do you start projects that go unfinished? Do you leave important conversations unsaid because you don't want to deal with the conflict or the fallout?  Do you hold back on sharing your creations because you are a "perfectionist?" Behind all of these questions lurk a sneaky but powerful beast: the Fear of Failure. 
      Here's the irony: The only way to TRULY fail is to give in to the Fear of Failure. And some of us might be doing this without even realizing that we are doing it. Why? Because the Fear of Failure masquerades as many other less-evil-seeming motivations. When Fear of Failure is in disguise, we might not even make it to the first Big A--Awareness--because we are convinced that we are dealing with something else. Can you relate to any of these?​

• Seemingly Valid Excuses  "I'm too old to start a new career." "I don't have time to get in shape." "My friends will think I'm weird if I become a rodeo clown."  Let's talk about facts and assumptions for a minute. A fact is an indisputable truth. Ex: That dog is brown.  An assumption, on the other hand, is something that you suppose to be the case without verifiable proof. Ex: That dog is adorable. The danger in an assumption comes from believing in it as truth. You might ask 100 people who all agree that the dog is cute. But the 101st person might simply dislike dogs and therefore not agree that the dog is adorable. Believing a dog is inarguably adorable is fairly benign, but we all have assumptions that are less innocent.  Accepting as truth thoughts such as "I'm not worthy" or "He is a jerk" can be much more hurtful to yourself and those around you. More on facts and assumptions in a future post.  Okay, so let's look at the first excuse: "I'm too old."  Now, if you want to join the CIA and are over the age of 35, then "I'm too old" is a fact. However, for most jobs, "too old" is an assumption that requires some soul searching. Is this the truth or is this an excuse? Is this the Fear of Failure wearing the mask of an excuse, or do you have actual, real limitations that disqualify you from a specific career? If we look at the other two example excuses, we can quickly see the hidden assumptions or mindsets. Lack of time? Fear of judgment? How you spend your time and how much you care about the opinions of others are absolute choices. If motivated, you can find 30 minutes a day to spend on your health. Many busy people prioritize exercise.  And as far as worrying about what people think...first of all, you are probably assuming a lot about other people's opinions. And secondly, the way they think is all about THEM and not at all about you. If it was about you, everyone would have the same opinion. And I'm sure there are many people, myself included, who would think it is awesome that you want to be a rodeo clown. 
• Perfectionism  I struggled with this before I opened for business as a life coach. My thoughts went something like this: My website isn't perfect yet. I don't have my paypal account set up. I need to spend more time on my new client forms. I need more practice. I need to take more classes. I can't compete with the experienced coaches. I'm not ready...everything isn't perfect, etc, etc.  I often hear people talk about perfectionism with pride. And I get it. But there's a difference between holding yourself to a high standard and hiding behind perfectionism.  The truth is, there is no such thing as perfection. Any ideal, any "perfect" example is simply based on an opinion. Perfection is an assumption, not a fact. So waiting for something to be perfect is a completely arbitrary excuse. 
• Protection  This is Fear of Failure at its sneakiest. This is the gentle inner voice that says stuff like: "Skydiving is too dangerous. I don't want you to get hurt."  "Don't send out that manuscript. It's such a competitive market and the feeling of rejection sucks. I don't want you to go through that." "Stay here. It's comfortable here. You know what to expect. No surprises. No pain. What else do you need?"  It's sneaky because a lot of what the voice is saying is true. It's like a concerned parent who wants to protect you. However, this mindset--this idea that we should stay in our comfort zone to avoid danger, injury, rejection or discomfort--ensures that we will stay exactly where we are.  This might not always be a bad thing, but if you have goals and passions you want to pursue, failing to do so because you want to protect yourself is a true injustice. Staying stuck to avoid challenges is much worse than taking on those challenges...even if you don't reach your goal on your first or second of fiftieth try. Action always feels better than inaction. The Fear of Failure guarantees that you won't move forward, and the only true failure is stagnation.

     If you are struggling to overcome your Fear of Failure, contact me for a complimentary first session. Together, we will work to get you un-stuck and moving forward toward what really matters to you.