Do You Like Yourself?

    My oldest daughter, Aleida, is in 4th grade this year, and she's been coming home with lots of talk about the "popular kids" and what they're up to.  According to her, she is not one of the popular kids.
       "Do you want to be popular?" I asked.
      "No!" she answered, with great feeling.  
       Still, she's clearly torn.  As a mother, my heart aches to think that she might feel left out or "less than" when at school, but I also know that navigating the cliques and social pressures are all part of growing up.  I can't control the kids at school, but perhaps I can give my daughter some tools to  help her through the process.
      More than anything, I want my daughters to like themselves.  Sure, self esteem will wax and wane, but if they can truly like themselves, they can avoid being derailed by the opinions of others. 
​      This brings me to my quote of the day from Byron Katie: 

      Do you struggle with self doubt or low self esteem? Is your self-worth affected by what others think of you? If so, try some of these suggestions to cultivate self love and appreciation.

• Keep a "self love" journal. Gratitude journals are all the rage and research suggests that they improve the wellbeing of those who keep them. Why not try a "self love" version? Every day for a month, write down something you like about yourself or something you have done that made you proud. As I've mentioned before, positivity takes practice. If a gratitude journal can cultivate gratitude and positivity, perhaps a self love journal can encourage self appreciation. 
• Remember that if somebody dislikes you, it's about that person, not you. If other people's opinions of you were a product of your inherent worth, then everyone would feel the same way about you. People are free to like and dislike whomever they choose, and you do not have to change to become somebody they can like. Let's look at a simpler example. I like olives. My daughters do not. The olive stays the same; it is our opinion of the olive that differs.  An olive does not make accommodations for those who dislike olives. A confident olive knows that haters gonna hate. Be a confident olive. 
• Love the hater. This is a toughie, but hear me out. Our natural inclination is to dislike those who dislike us. But hating the hater only compounds the hate. If somebody doesn't like you, that negative emotion doesn't have to get on you. The hate can stop at the hater. Now, I'm not saying you should put a lot of effort into trying to create a relationship of mutual love because you cannot make somebody like you.  However, I challenge you to find something to like about the person.  This is not the same as "killing them with kindness." In fact, the hater doesn't even have to know about it.  It is simply for your benefit. When this person comes to mind, rather than wallowing in and/or mirroring the dislike, take a brief moment to think "wow, I like her fashion sense" or "he is really creative" or whatever...then move on. If you stop to think a positive thought, then the hater's hate is only affecting the hater. Sneaky, right?
• Spend time with people who like you. Aleida has a best friend who adores her. When they are together, concerns about popularity go out the window. Now, if we can't take credit for people's dislike, we can't really take credit for those who like us either. But spending time with like-minded people is refreshing, and why not surround yourself with people who make you feel good?
• Work on self improvement.  Don't improve yourself so that other people will like you. Improve yourself so that YOU will like you. If you feel good about who you are and proud of what you do, your self esteem will be less vulnerable to the whims of others.
• Spend quality time with yourself. Where do you feel the most authentic and positive? In the mountains? While writing? On a boat? During a bike ride? Wherever it is, GO THERE. Alone. Spend time enjoying your own company. Fall in love with your amazing, lovable, unique self.

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