Fear of Failure

      Do you have goals but feel stuck when you think about trying to reach them? Do you start projects that go unfinished? Do you leave important conversations unsaid because you don't want to deal with the conflict or the fallout?  Do you hold back on sharing your creations because you are a "perfectionist?" Behind all of these questions lurk a sneaky but powerful beast: the Fear of Failure. 
      Here's the irony: The only way to TRULY fail is to give in to the Fear of Failure. And some of us might be doing this without even realizing that we are doing it. Why? Because the Fear of Failure masquerades as many other less-evil-seeming motivations. When Fear of Failure is in disguise, we might not even make it to the first Big A--Awareness--because we are convinced that we are dealing with something else. Can you relate to any of these?​

• Seemingly Valid Excuses  "I'm too old to start a new career." "I don't have time to get in shape." "My friends will think I'm weird if I become a rodeo clown."  Let's talk about facts and assumptions for a minute. A fact is an indisputable truth. Ex: That dog is brown.  An assumption, on the other hand, is something that you suppose to be the case without verifiable proof. Ex: That dog is adorable. The danger in an assumption comes from believing in it as truth. You might ask 100 people who all agree that the dog is cute. But the 101st person might simply dislike dogs and therefore not agree that the dog is adorable. Believing a dog is inarguably adorable is fairly benign, but we all have assumptions that are less innocent.  Accepting as truth thoughts such as "I'm not worthy" or "He is a jerk" can be much more hurtful to yourself and those around you. More on facts and assumptions in a future post.  Okay, so let's look at the first excuse: "I'm too old."  Now, if you want to join the CIA and are over the age of 35, then "I'm too old" is a fact. However, for most jobs, "too old" is an assumption that requires some soul searching. Is this the truth or is this an excuse? Is this the Fear of Failure wearing the mask of an excuse, or do you have actual, real limitations that disqualify you from a specific career? If we look at the other two example excuses, we can quickly see the hidden assumptions or mindsets. Lack of time? Fear of judgment? How you spend your time and how much you care about the opinions of others are absolute choices. If motivated, you can find 30 minutes a day to spend on your health. Many busy people prioritize exercise.  And as far as worrying about what people think...first of all, you are probably assuming a lot about other people's opinions. And secondly, the way they think is all about THEM and not at all about you. If it was about you, everyone would have the same opinion. And I'm sure there are many people, myself included, who would think it is awesome that you want to be a rodeo clown. 
• Perfectionism  I struggled with this before I opened for business as a life coach. My thoughts went something like this: My website isn't perfect yet. I don't have my paypal account set up. I need to spend more time on my new client forms. I need more practice. I need to take more classes. I can't compete with the experienced coaches. I'm not ready...everything isn't perfect, etc, etc.  I often hear people talk about perfectionism with pride. And I get it. But there's a difference between holding yourself to a high standard and hiding behind perfectionism.  The truth is, there is no such thing as perfection. Any ideal, any "perfect" example is simply based on an opinion. Perfection is an assumption, not a fact. So waiting for something to be perfect is a completely arbitrary excuse. 
• Protection  This is Fear of Failure at its sneakiest. This is the gentle inner voice that says stuff like: "Skydiving is too dangerous. I don't want you to get hurt."  "Don't send out that manuscript. It's such a competitive market and the feeling of rejection sucks. I don't want you to go through that." "Stay here. It's comfortable here. You know what to expect. No surprises. No pain. What else do you need?"  It's sneaky because a lot of what the voice is saying is true. It's like a concerned parent who wants to protect you. However, this mindset--this idea that we should stay in our comfort zone to avoid danger, injury, rejection or discomfort--ensures that we will stay exactly where we are.  This might not always be a bad thing, but if you have goals and passions you want to pursue, failing to do so because you want to protect yourself is a true injustice. Staying stuck to avoid challenges is much worse than taking on those challenges...even if you don't reach your goal on your first or second of fiftieth try. Action always feels better than inaction. The Fear of Failure guarantees that you won't move forward, and the only true failure is stagnation.

     If you are struggling to overcome your Fear of Failure, contact me for a complimentary first session. Together, we will work to get you un-stuck and moving forward toward what really matters to you.

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