Honor all the Feels

    Today, while I was running errands, I picked up a box of Bridge Mix in the check out line. As a personal rule, I don’t give into impulse buys, but I grabbed it on a whim. I took a picture and sent it to my sister with a text that said, “I bought this JUST because it reminded me of mom.”
    My mother died over 16 years ago--the same year I got married.  I remember feeling frustrated that I couldn’t do justice to either the sadness of losing her or the elation of being in love. I couldn’t wallow in either feeling for too long; instead, it was a seesaw from one extreme to the other and back again. As I rode those peaks and valleys, I learned many lessons about what it means to be alive...what it means to be human.
     Each year when Mother's Day approaches, I subconsciously think more about my mom (thanks Hallmark), and I usually have an a-ha moment when I realize it’s happening...like the unchecked urge to buy bridge mix. Sometimes these thoughts turn to grief, acute and surprising. Since I’ve had kids, I’ve often reflected on the contrast between the joys of being a mother and the emptiness left by the loss of my own.
      Sometimes, I want to be sad. I will go take out my stash of pictures of my mom and look at them until I cry. I don’t want to pretend that it’s okay that she’s gone. I don’t want to pretend that it isn’t a total injustice that she never got to be Grandma June (she would’ve been GREAT at it) and that my girls will only know her through pictures and stories.
     This week, in addition to the coming of Mother’s Day, we also lost a family dog (RIP Loki) and learned of yet another fatal school shooting just a few towns over. The weight of the world is heavy, my friends, and I want to feel the weight of it. I want to miss my mom, grieve our dog, and feel angry and scared about the violence in our schools.
       And you know what?  That is OKAY. I can feel sad and mad and helpless while still being grateful and present and loving. We tend to think of emotions as good or bad, and sadness, grief and anger come down hard in the bad column.  We also tend to think of emotions as mutually exclusive. If we are angry, we can’t also be happy. We can’t be grieving and grateful at the same time.
      What if we change our perspective? What if we just allow ALL emotions? What if we name them and wallow in them for a bit? What if we learn from them and use them to grow and change ourselves and the world for the better? What if we recognize and honor the complex web of feelings we are caught up in on any given day...in any given moment?
     Because here’s the thing, if I pretend I’m not sad...if I hide from my feelings of grief or frustration, they don’t go away. They fester and arise when I am wholly unprepared, often converting to a more volatile emotion, erupting as anger or despair. Once I am angry or feeling helpless, I am useless. If I am in denial, I am not able to move forward. If I am repressing, I am not processing. And when I’m stuck, I’m not able to honor anyone’s memory or work toward positive change.
      What can we do then, when these emotions come up? Here are some strategies to try:

• Name the emotion. Say out loud to yourself or a trusted confidante: “I am feeling sad right now.” If you know why, name that too. Don’t judge; just allow. I like the term wallow...wallow in it and accept that all emotions are part of the human condition.
• Meditate. I’ve started a consistent meditation practice for the first time in my life. I wake 15 minutes early, lock myself in the guest room (away from dogs, cats and kids) and take 10-15 minutes to work on quieting my mind. Sometimes I use guided meditations; sometimes I sit in silence. This practice of noticing my thoughts and quietly (and nonjudgmentally) guiding my mind back to my breath is starting to seep into other areas of my life. I am more self-aware. I allow myself to just be and I honor my feelings...not always, but more often. Meditation is not magic and the change does not happen overnight. But like anything, becoming more present and aware takes practice. So...PRACTICE.
• Do something. One of the best anti-anxiety strategies I have found is this simple instruction. Anxiety, helplessness, sadness and even anger often stem from feeling that we lack control. We cannot fix the mental health issues of our youth. We cannot change laws or affect the culture of our country (not overnight anyway). We cannot bring back the dead. So when you feel out of control of something big, take control of something small. Your small action doesn’t even have to be related to the big issue. Plant some flowers. Clean out a junk drawer. Send a note of gratitude to a friend. Bake some muffins. Taking action will give you a sense of control and might provide some momentum for you to tackle the bigger items.
• Exercise. Go for a walk. Life some weights. Ride a bike. Choose your favorite activity but get your blood pumping.Of course, when you are feeling down, it can be difficult to get up, but if you can, you will experience so many mental benefits.
• Act kindly. Whether you participate in a formal volunteer gig or simply smile at a stranger, acts of kindness have far-reaching positive effects. Maybe it’s another version of exhibiting control in a chaotic world or perhaps it simply helps flip your emotional switch, but putting kindness and gratitude into practice will help you feel more at peace.

Try these strategies, but also remember that you shouldn’t deny yourself the chance to honor all the feels. You are a human being and the full spectrum of emotions is normal and healthy. Take a moment to allow the pain. Remember that it will pass and you will grow.

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