"I'm Sorry" is Overrated.

My youngest daughter, Cici, is very good at saying, "I'm sorry."  If she behaves badly, she will...eventually...admit it and apologize and give hugs. She gets this from me. If I lose my temper and overreact to something (I slam doors and yell sometimes...not proud of it, but it's true), I can suck it up and apologize to whoever witnessed the bad behavior.  I take responsibility for my actions...after the fact. And while the ability to sincerely apologize is an important one, I think it's also overrated. Words are easy. Changing behavior is hard. 

The other day, Cici did something that upset me. It was the end of a long day and it was a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation. I can't even remember what behavior made me react, but I did.

"I'm sorry, Mommy,"  Cici said. 

"I accept your apology, Cici, but here's the thing. You keep behaving the same way and then apologizing for it. I'm glad you're able to apologize, but saying you're sorry is easy. Changing your behavior is the hard part. But that's what I need you to work on."

Sometimes, I am so profound. As these words came out of my mouth, I had a moment of clarity. I had just spoken a truth that I needed to hear as much as my daughter did. 

When I am calm, I can objectively look at my behavior and see where I went wrong and even come up with alternative ways to react. Cici is the same way. She can be calm and rational and we can come up with strategies for dealing with her very big emotions. "I can take three deep breaths," she'll say. And then when she's getting riled up and I tell her to take three deep breaths, she'll tell me to leave her alone or she'll stomp up the stairs instead. And I can totally relate to that. When I'm calm and rational, I don't want to let anger or frustration take control. I don't want to yell or cry in front of other people. But once I've crossed a certain line, I am convinced that I DO want to be mad. I get attached to my emotions and fall into a pattern of bad behaviors that go along with them.

Can you relate to this? Perhaps anger isn't your issue...perhaps it's sadness or low self-esteem or self-pity. And maybe your behavior isn't overt like mine and my daughter's...perhaps yours is a negative internal voice or an inability to motivate. Maybe you close off to those around you. Whatever the emotion and resulting behavior, what can we do to stop the cycle?

Here's a process I've been working on to break my own pattern of behavior:

• First, be aware. Awareness is always the first step. What negative emotion do you struggle with and how do you manifest that emotion in a way that requires you to apologize later (even if you only have to apologize to yourself)?
• Second, breathe. You might not always be able to control your emotions once they get going, but you can always control your breath. Try three deep breaths. Then try it again. And again. And again. 
• Find a mantra. Make it a positive one. In my last post, I shared a video I made of my daughters saying some positive one-liners that might spark some ideas.  When you feel a negative emotion taking over, repeat the mantra in your head. Sometimes, I will simply tell myself, "You don't want to have to apologize for your behavior later." It works. 
• Remove yourself from the situation, even if only for a few moments. Get a breath of fresh air. Pet your dog. Look at a picture or read a passage from your favorite book or do some push ups or listen to your favorite song. 
• Recognize and congratulate yourself if you get past the badness.
• Don't beat up on yourself if you don't. If you lose your temper or wallow in self-pity despite your best efforts, just be aware of where it went wrong, and then make a plan for the next time the emotion tries to take over.
• Visualize! Evidence suggests that when we visualize a process or an outcome, we can help make positive changes. So visualize yourself breathing and mantra chanting your way out of a negative emotion. Think of it as a role play with yourself.  
• If you need to, go ahead and apologize. An apology does show responsibility for your behavior and an awareness of a need for change, but you need to use it as a starting point for real change. Better yet, turn your apology into a chance to show gratitude. "Thank you for loving me despite my issues."  "Thank you for believing in me even though I doubt myself."  "Thank you for forgiving me for my bad behavior."
• Keep at it! One successful deflection of negativity is great, but you will have to keep working at it. Be kind to yourself and celebrate the small victories.

If you'd like to be more accountable for making positive changes, contact me to set up a complimentary intro session.  Or, if you're local, come to my informational session on Sept 5 at 6:30 at the Golden Library to learn more about life coaching and what it can do for you.

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