Live by Design, Not Default

"That's just the way it is."
"It's just not meant to be."
"Life sucks."
"Bad things always happen to me."
"Can't change now."
​"I just can't catch a break."

We've all said or felt these sentiments in our lives, but in these words and ideas might be the key to happiness and life satisfaction.

A report in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology stated that autonomy is the number one contributor to happiness.  Autonomy is defined as "freedom from external control or influence; independence." 

As some of you know, I am currently working toward earning my conditional Black Belt at my martial arts school (I get my new belt tomorrow-yahoo!). One of the requirements of our increased training is to read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In many ways, this is a guidebook on finding more autonomy. In fact, the first habit is "Be Proactive." The author, Stephen Covey, writes "Reactive people are driven by feelings, circumstances, by conditions, by their environment." In other words, they are not autonomous because they are not free from external influence. They live by default, often letting people and circumstances act upon them.  In contrast, "Proactive people are driven by values--carefully thought out, selected, and internalized values." So proactive people are autonomous. They live by design, creating the life they want according to their values, regardless of circumstances.

Think about that for a minute. And then honestly decide if you are more REACTIVE or PROACTIVE. Here are a few questions to get you thinking:

1. When you fail to complete a project or reach a goal, do you typically:
a. Blame lack of time, other obligations, or external factors for getting in the way
b. Realize that you didn't have an adequate plan to complete the project and think about how to avoid a similar situation in the future

2. When your birthday approaches, do you typically
a. Think about what you'd like to do and hope somebody plans it for you
b. Think about what you'd like to do, make reservations, and invite your friends to celebrate with you

3. When somebody does something to hurt you, do you typically
a. Feel betrayed, talk to others about the situation, and/or avoid or unfriend that person
b. Confront the person and talk honestly about the situation

4. When you want to change a habit or behavior, do you typically
a. have trouble coming up with ways to change and/or tell yourself that it's just the way you are
b. lay out a plan, set goals, and find somebody to keep you accountable to those goals

​5. When you want to get something done, do you typically
a. talk about it but fail to make a solid plan
b. write down daily, weekly, and/or long term goals and take action to complete them

You can probably figure out that if you answered mostly (a) answers, then you are a more reactive person. However, if you answered mostly (b) answers, than you have a habit of proactivity. How do we work toward a more proactive existence? 

• Set goals and WRITE THEM DOWN.  ​Science shows that writing down goals increases your chances of achieving them. If you aren't used to this practice, start small. Think about a to do list of goals for the week. Once you get in the habit of that, try expanding to monthly or even longer terms goals.
• Don't let things fester. I looked up fester and the first definition is "to generate pus." Gross. However, this is an apt metaphor for negative thoughts and hurt feelings.  If something is bothering you and you don't process it, it doesn't go away. On the contrary, it "generates pus" and grows bigger and grosser and uglier.  The original issue gets lost in the rot. Yes, it is difficult to confront somebody who hurt you, and it can be uncomfortable to process a negative situation. But doing so sooner will save you in the long run. Clean out the wound and it will heal a lot faster.
• Make time for things that bring you joy. So many people use lack of time as an excuse to ignore the needs of their souls. I know artists who haven't drawn in years. I've seen former athletes who unwittingly lead a sedentary life style. One of my life passions is horses. My horse time has varied, especially since I became a mom, but I always feel the pull back to it. I call it the "horse-shaped hole" in my heart that grows with time. The longer I spend without getting some horse time, the bigger the horse-shaped hole until I simply can't ignore it anymore. What hole is growing in your heart and how can you make time to fill it?
• Define your values. I have an activity that I give to clients that helps them define their top 5 goals. It is challenging and eye-opening. Living life without your values in mind is like going on a trip without a map or compass. Your values give you direction and save you a lot of wasted time taking wrong turns.
  
• Learn to let go. Some circumstances are beyond our control. Even proactive people have to know when to move on. You can always be proactive with your thinking. When something doesn't work out the way you hoped, you can ask yourself: What can I learn from this? What can I do differently next time? How can I improve? What are my next steps? (Don't forget to write them down!)
• Hire a life coach.  *Shameless plug alert.*  Life coaching might seem like a luxury, but it works. Life coaching is all about designing your life rather than living by default. If you've been festering hurts or sitting on goals, a life coach can help. The focus in a coaching session is not how you got here but how you can move forward. Life coaching encourages proactivity so that you can say "I am in control of my own life."

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